im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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