Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
