i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize