sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This house was built for laser tag.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
