She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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