The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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