i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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