I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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