Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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