the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
try to milk me bitch
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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