Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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