Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
