Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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