I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
