Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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