Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
