im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
