I think my vagina is haunted
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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