I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
