sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
