i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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