Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize