Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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