in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
