I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
