there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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