Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
