I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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