I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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