smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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