When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You don't make any sense
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I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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