I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize