when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
