im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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