I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
