you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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