We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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