I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
