Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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