Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize