On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
