Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
