tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize