so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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