I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
