she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize