Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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