I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
