I puked a lego.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
