In the future we'll all be gay
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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