When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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