I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
