watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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