DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
