I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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