So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
