Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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