you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i now understand why vodka
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
