i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
