oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
