??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
