"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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